Ready, Steady, Get Married
So you’re getting married. Mum and Dad could never properly teach you. Your mates haven’t got a clue. So how will you ever get ready for one of the biggest relationship choices in your life to date? Pastors Andy & Karen Gorman explain how!
How does anyone ever properly prepare for a great marriage?
Well, fortunately the Bible offers some amazing advice and insight into this important area of our lives and in this 3 part series you and your soon-to-be spouse will be able to learn together about:
- All the Foundations, including the biblical basis of marriage, recognising each other's differing needs, handling money and some quiz questions.
- Conflict, including how to avoid it in the first place, how to resolve it when it happens, and coping with each other's families.
- The Sex bit, including Children...A long-range warning!
Part 1: The Basics
1. A simple Quiz
Complete the following questions, in writing, separately.
• What do you hope to gain from being married?
• What will you have to give up to get married?
• How have you changed since you've been together (good or bad)?
• Who's going to do the housework, cooking, finances, etc.?
• Which church will you plant yourself in when you get married?
• Where will you be living in five years' time? In ten years?
• How many children do you want?
2. Spiritual foundations
What is marriage - Here's the initial description of marriage in the bible:
The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called `woman', for she was taken out of man. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”
Genesis 2:23-24
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church -for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.'' This is a profound mystery - but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
Ephesians 5:21-33
2.1.The shape of the marriage relationship: Headship
Headship – A practical definition
Think for a moment about your actual head: Physically, there are different parts to a head.
THE BRAIN
• Your head is where your mind is.
• Men, we are created differently when it comes to our ‘thinking’.
• Women = very logical/ focussed/ like to work things through one at a time(!)
• Men on the other hand = very emotional/ a good cry clears the head…(!) Not so!
It’s easy to see differences in our thinking.
• Women process the world around them by feelings, and this is by God’s design. They have exceptionally strong emotions and can’t escape from them.
• Emotions in women aid their intuition and help them make sense of their often powerful perception of what’s actually going on around them.
• Men need to think things through. Wives should be aware when their man needs thinking time.
• Men like answers, women like conversation! The truth is that men will generally talk when they’ve got answers, but they have to have thought things through.
Men, in your thinking, therefore, you need to be considerate of your wife.
• Your wife needs to feel secure in your presence, not vulnerable.
• Never should a wife be scared that they’ll be the butt of all your jokes when you go out.
• “Will he show me up again tonight? Let on what I used to be like? Reveal all my failings”
Be supportive to your wife.
• When she goes to step out and do something – Don’t mock her.
• Support her. Men are responsible for creating the right environment for their wives to step out.
• That means your wife needs to know you’re with her.
o That’s a mental decision you make as man.
o Not to hold her back.
Be Committed to your wife.
• Commitment for men has no emotional attachment. It’s a methodical act of will.
• It’s all in our thinking. We decide to do what we decide to do!
• A man has the ability to say, “I don’t like the way I feel right now, but I’m committed to seeing this thro till the end.”
o Your depends on this commitment in the marriage.
o She needs a man to take her and her children through good times AND bad.
• Your commitment, like your support, is rooted in your thinking – not your emotions
• You have to think COMMITMENT!
EYES: TO SEE HER BEAUTY
Another aspect of the headship role is to see the Beautiful things in our wife, not the things we want to change!
• Men like to show-off – I think God’s no diff!
• He wants husbands to marvel at the beauty of his craftsmanship!
o Women have an emotional need to feel beautiful and of worth to their man….
• If you begin to see it, more will unfold.
• Just as men are created in strength like their God, women hold many as yet unseen facets (like their God) of physical beauty…It takes a lifetime of marriage to see them all!
MOUTH: HAVE THE MOUTH TO SPEAK GOOD WORDS
Firstly, words that value your wife.
• Words are powerful – Eternal
• Often the most cruel people are marriage partners!
o When men are cruel with their words, it’s because they’ve forgotten their role!
• Your words Build her/ contain her/ excite her/ limit her/ inspire her/ destroy her!
o You know you can curse your marriage!
o You’re always like this, You never change, you’re always the same!
o These kind of words curse our marriages.
• Your role is to build with words of value. (Have a think about your wife-to-be’s history, pre-marrying you!)
o Let your words continue to the work of building an established covenant, Not break it down. o Note – 10 positives about her to counter 1 negative.
Secondly, words that are prophetic:
• Amazing how many Xian men leave it to their wife to go to the mid-week prayer meeting/ cell/ Connect group etc.
• Men, you need to know what God is saying and communicate that to your wife & family.
EARS: HAVE EARS TO LISTEN (EARS NOT YEARS!)
Listen to her words. If you don’t it’ll be the saucepan that gets your attention!
• Your wife has a deep desire for you to listen to her.
• Women have powerful perception and are naturally intuitive about ‘behind-the-scenes’ stuff.
• Your wife’s words will tell you the way things are!
o What’s happening in your marriage
o What’s happening in your church/ family/ relationships with friends etc.
Never be derogatory towards her opinions – Don’t mock your wife.
• Listen to her worries – Don’t laugh them off
• Let explain them… with all the emotion that they carry.
• In terms of Headship, what concerns her, concerns you!
Take note of your wife’s complaints!
• “I’m unfulfilled, I need more.” Don’t just dismiss it.
• Truth is – Men can do anything for the church/ the lads…difficult 4 them to do things around the house though!
2.3. Keeping God central
The spiritual maturity of your marriage cannot exceed the spiritual maturity of the individuals in it. You must achieve both integrity and kindness - they must be the same thing, so that for you to behave with integrity is to be kind.
How to live a godly life:
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (love is ...)
Galatians 5:22-23 (fruit of the spirit)
Ephesians 4:2-3
Ephesians 4:29-32
Philippians 2:1-4
Philippians 2:14
Pray together; pray for each other; pray for shared vision. Some couples suit this more often than others, but it’s important that you are comfortable in being able to pray things through with each other. There will be many adventures you go on in your marriage – You will need to pray at some point, so you better be prepared!
3. Exclusivity
Find things that are shared secrets between the two of you. What works for others won't work for you but you can find your own exclusive fun and games.
(This section is much more important than the amount of space given to it would suggest.)
4. Honouring One Another
You will often hear “Don't try to change each other”. There's no point in trying to change the other's style, but we all need to change in substance ‘from one degree of glory to the next’. Don't take your spouse for granted in a way that makes you favour everyone else and leave the dog-ends of your time for him/her - e.g. talking to everyone else who's clamouring for your attention and assuming that the spouse won't mind being the one who gets missed out.
Keep each other's personal secrets. (We can't give any examples of this because they're all secret!) Keeping other’s secrets from each other? A tricky one! In a pastoral situation you will often be asked to keep things confidential. We should really, never promise to anyone not to tell our spouse anything; but we would not volunteer confidential information - neither would the other ask for it, so in practice the secret is kept.
Loyalty. Never side with someone else against your spouse. (Especially not your mother!) If you have a problem in the relationship, go to your spouse first. Never run him or her down in public (or in private).
‘Men are so insensitive!’, ‘Women are so bad at parallel parking.’ No tut-tutting and raising your eyebrows to heaven.
5. Handling Money
Learn to budget. Decide on practicalities (e.g. who pays bills)
Your money belongs to each other, so of course consult on big purchases. However, we've found that it's simpler to manage two separate accounts than one joint one. (One account for bills and utilities and a disposable income account for everything else.)
Agree on giving vs. saving.
6. Summary: Seven Golden Rules
• Be sure to make time for each other and to have fun together.
• Keep talking and listening to each other.
• Study the ways your partner feels loved. (“Five Love Languages” Book is a great read!)
• Discuss your differences and pray together so you make the most of them.
• Practise forgiveness.
• Honour your parents but do not be controlled by them.
• Do not neglect sexual intimacy. (After marriage!)
• And we add number 8...Don't put a fondue set on your wedding list, you'll never use it!
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